of this shit

I have been dragging my feet to work lately. I should be grateful that I need to go to work 3 times weekly. Instead of having 2 days with Yusuf on the weekends, I now only need to be separated from him for 2 days.

I am utterly grateful for this arrangement. Somehow, I cannot shake this guilt. I feel guilty for having this benefit as compared to my colleagues. Then again, my colleagues can come late or go back early if they need to. I still feel guilty for passing my son to my mom for her to take care of him. I don’t know. I feel I should be the one taking care of him 100%. I don’t know how other moms do it. I’m sure they dread separating from their little ones. I just find it so so so hard.

My work is not that bad. In fact, as long as I do my work well, I’m good. But, I just hate being separated with Yusuf. To make it worse, my colleagues aren’t exactly in the same wavelength as I am. All of them are males except for 1 girl who is also very boyish. I mean, I can work with them. It is just that I feel lonely because we don’t really have much in common.

I realised my circle of friends are shrinking. Most of them have their own children so it is hard to meet up. I totally understand that. When you are full-time working mom, weekends are special. You do not want to spend your precious time to hang out with your girlfriends. We do meet up occasionally but on a daily basis, it gets a little lonely for me.

I do have friends that we chatted once every few days but I don’t know, I still feel lonely. I feel like I’m the only one struggling to understand my separation anxiety. I want to have my time alone yet I want to be with Yusuf all the time. I just cannot shake off this mummy mode.

My husband and I went to Bangkok last few weeks with his friends. It was so nice to be in a different environment. I slept the whole night through and even took long naps in the afternoons! It was nice to be on my own and not worry about Yusuf and what to bring or constantly keeping track of his last feeding time or checking his diaper.

On the other hand, I was constantly missing him and have thoughts of him. I still pumped and brought back the EBM for him.

Right now, I feel so alive when I’m with Yusuf. I enjoy kissing and smelling him. I enjoy bathing him. I enjoy playing with him. On certain days, especially when it was raining, we would just read some books and cuddle in bed the whole day. Real nikmat.

But then again, it is not fair for me to enjoy all these while my husband work so hard. He is the dad and he too want to have luxury to spend time with Yusuf. Yes, indeed time is our luxury now. So much to do, so little time. Wait, time ader cumer I think we are just not prioritising our time.

Sometimes, I wonder, why are we leading our lives like some lab rat? Following whatever it is thrown to us?

We work so hard for long hours to pay for a house which is so expensive. Kla not for the house cpf, I believe we can afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I hate the high standard of living in here. I can’t spend more time with my son because I have atrociously high-priced house to pay. Don’t start on the house. It is not even ours in the first place. We are not the owners. We are just the lessees. And, the stress and cover-our-own-ass-or you-will-be-eaten environment at work. Like, urrghhh!! Why can’t we just have a decent-priced house which we can pay one-off and just work happily without all these politics and constant competition?

It is true. We are working so hard for long hours to pay for a ridiculously highly-inflated house.

With the remaining time left during weekends, we must squeezed in jam-packed malls or public transport so that we can enjoy a little bit of our pay on some nice meals or treat ourselves to something.

Come Monday, it is a rat race all over again. Parents have to submit their little ones to care-takers or centres for them to take care while we parents become slaves to consumerism, materialism and ridiculous high standard of living. Seriously, I’m tired of this shit. But, the reality is, we are stuck in this cycle. We can migrate but leave our extended families behind? Nope. And, I have to admit, I am not a risk-taker.

Like I’ve said, I’m tired of living in this shit.

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