of breastfeeding journey


Nowadays, my head is jam-packed with stuff. I feel as though there are hundreds of tabs being opened at the same time.

First thing first, my baby refused to latch! Aaarrghhhh!!! Ever since I returned from Bangkok (first time separated from Yusuf), he just refused to latch. He will scream, gag and push away. What happened to my lil babyyyy??



He is also having trouble drinking his milk from his bottle. He will drink for a while, then, push the bottle away and cry.

I will pujuk, he will drink a little bit, push the bottle and then cry. I will then pujuk again. This continues until he finishes his milk.

I just don’t know why is he acting that way. Is it because I changed his bottle teats to varied flow? Before this, he is using Tommee Tippee 0+ teats. I’ve decided to try and change the teats to varied flow since he is already 3+ mths and might be ready for a faster flow. I specifically chosen the varied flow as it is more breastfeeding-friendly so that we can hopefully prevent nipple confusion. Is because the flow is too fast?

Few days back, we bought 3+ teats just to see which is his preference (0+, 3+ or varied flow). Hopefully after trying the different flows, we will eventually find out which is comfortable for him and he will drink without much fuss.

So now, he totally rejects breastfeeding and fusses when given bottle.

Seriously, I really want to settle this matter ASAP.


Back to breastfeeding.

Possible reasons of him rejecting breastfeeding: 

1) Preference to bottle due to faster flow

2) Am pregnant? Checked and I’m not

3) Ear infection? Will check with the doctor during his DA

4) Low milk supply. Impatience.

Yupz, I’m having low supply now. Ever since I returned to work, my supply are getting lesser each day. Maybe because I was not pumping quite often at work. Nak pump 3 kali during office hours is really hard seh. 1 session around 20 mins inclusive of washing etc. First few weeks, I manage to follow this schedule. After some time, it gets busier and harder to go for my pump sessions.

It gets demoralising when I pumped and only get like 60ml. Which is good enough but as days goes by, it gets lesser and lesser. At times, I choose not to pump because it gets plain demoralising and it will affect my mood.

So, I’m in this sad cycle. I know pumping and latching control the supply but baby don’t want to latch and mummy gets demoralised to pump. Lesser latching & pumping sessions = ever lesser milk

I bought habatul sauda but have not try it. I don’t know. I feel like I’m so occupied sampai every night luper nak mkn habatul sauda & fenugreek.

I always intend to pump at night after putting him to sleep. But, by the time he slept and I finished doing my chores, I will be too tired to pump. All I want to do is crash on my bed.

Hari2 bawak my Spectra breast pump home so I can do a midnight pump. However, every night, I will be too tired to pump. Then, the next day I will bring that pump back again to work to pump for a miserly 1 session.

I’m pushing myself to pump. I hate pumping. I prefer direct latching due to the bonding. I feel so mechanical when pumping. But, I will try lah. Salute to exclusive pumping moms out there. I feel pumping is too time-consuming. Maybe, I feel that way because the milk I got is just too little. Thus, it is not a rewarding experience.


So, it gets a lil frustrating when he refuses to latch. My baby who used to snuggle up to me and finds comfort in me now refuses to latch. Am trying to keep my emotions under control and stay practical. Am trying to pacify myself. Kla tknk latch, no big deal. Just give formula. But, this mummy heart of mine just want to cry!

I had a hard breastfeeding journey. I have cracked nipples when he was a few days old. My body wanted to give up on breastfeeding but I continued because I really want to do this.

I’ve spent a lot on breastfeeding items and pumps. I’ve been reading on breastfeeding throughout my pregnancy and watched lots of videos. After all these efforts, tk kan nak give up. So, I continued.

Then, two weeks after giving birth, I wanted to give up because his latching was still very bad. His latching made my nipples sore and his first few suckles can make my toes curled in pain. My whole body will tense up from the shooting pain.

On top of that, he had growth spurt and his feeding frequency increased. I was so tired from pumping and latching. I was so so so tired. Penat tk kesah. Penat and sakit is really a bad combo.

I pumped to give my nipples a break from his poor latching. I latch so that we can practice and improve his latching.

My husband told me it is okay to give up breastfeeding. Giving total formula is not that bad.

I have no issues with formula or its content. But, what I yearn is that breastfeeding bonding between mother and child. That is what pushes me every single time. That sweet vulnerable face looking at me while latching. That moment when we just stare into each other’s eyes. I knew how special those moments felt and I want to feel it again and again.

So, I continued. His latching improved and we got into this beautiful momentum. I feed on demand and all was great. It was so so so easy.

When he was 3 months, he had thrush in his mouth due to the antibiotics the PD gave. I then had shooting pains in my breasts. It was painful but he still latches and few weeks later, all was good.

Until now.

Now, he totally refuses to latch and my supply is really low! Seems like my breastfeeding journey is coming to an end. I will eat supplements and continue pumping. See how it goes. I’m telling myself to continue my efforts but to be mentally and EMOTIONALLY prepared for it to end.

At least dapat raser nikmat menyusukan anak. 4 bulan jer but better than nothing right? Org lain lagik tkder chance to do from Day 1. It’s okay yura. *cry*. Be strong lil heart.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s