of constant guilt & cot

Am trying not to sound whiny or unappreciative, however, the thought of being a stay-at-home has been playing on mind for the past few months. I know I should be grateful that I’m granted the work-from-home benefit.

The thing is, I just could shake off that guilty feeling. This guilty feeling is really annoying.

When I’m at work, I feel guilty for troubling my mom. When I’m at home, I feel guilty for not giving my best at work. When I spend more time with Yusuf, I feel guilty that my husband could not have the same privilege as me. When I don’t spend that much time with Yusuf, I feel guilty for not soaking up and enjoying his precious babyhood.

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do to shake off this guilt in my heart. I constantly feel like I’m not squeezing my time well enough.

At the end of the day, I will reflect and judge how well I did on that day. I mean, I’m no supermom, but, I constantly feel like I’m not juggling my stuff well. There are days when I did not iron my husband’s clothes or fix any meals for nearly a week! I just need to manage my time well.

I did buy a slow cooker, though, to make the whole process of food preparation easier for me.

Last week, I managed to clean the house. We eventually threw the cot away. Initially, the idea was to put the cot against the wall and the bed next to it. Yusuf will sleep in the cot yet still within my arm’s reach. However, I breastfed him throughout the night and I find it easier to have him right beside me so I can easily feed him. Moreover, the husband too want to sleep beside him. On top of that, since we are using the ceiling fan, that corner beside the wall mcm blind spot. The wind is not that reachable. So, that cot mcm white elephant.

Hence, we threw that cot away as it was not in a shape to be given away. Good thing, we got it for free. We thought we would need a cot but it is good to know that we do not really need it. Not sure in the future but we will make do without it. Even with future babies, I think we will forgo the cot.


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