Category Archives: Thoughts

of a simple yet deep reminder

I have a bad case of stretch marks. Not at my tummy. Some other place which I don’t intend to share. Hahahaha! There are days when I feel really low about the weight gain, stretch marks, darkened skin and all the other changes that make me feel a tad miserable. The husband will casually remarked ”Tu, kat tapak kaki tu. Syurga under construction”. His remark made me smiled because I never thought of it that way. Upon hearing that, I kinda feel touched and reminded that what I’m facing are very minor. Very petty, indeed. It feels good to be reminded in a casual light way. Nothing too preachy. Alhamdulilah for my husband.

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of depression

You know sometimes I feel guilty for being pregnant while some ladies have to go through pregnancy loss. Told that to the husband and he said ni semuer rezki, coming in different forms. Kla Allah took the pregnancy, it is their rezki to have ahli syurga waiting for them.

Easier said than done. Looking back, I think I had a moment of depression in my 1st trimester. For some time, I was hysterical thinking that I will not be a good mother and I don’t deserve this privilege because the close ppl around me had a miscarriage.  I remembered it was during Ramadhan. I was screaming in anger and barged out of the house. I had never been so angry before. I was seing red. Like, mad angry. I wasn’t thinking straight and buy crappy clothes at pasar and took bus to interchange. Practically, my body was carrying me. I just need to move. My body is bursting with anger. I just need to move.

I then took mrt back home. I remembered msging the husband that I think a miscarriage will happen because I dnt deserve to be a mother. Astafirullahaladzim. I was crazy. I reached home and had the worst outburst ever. The worst. Fingers slammed at door. Door broken. Vomit on the floor. I was crying so hard that I vomited. Astafirullahaladzim. It was bad. And in the middle of the night, I did thought of jumping out of the kitchen window. Like, what was I thinking?!

Having a slight glimpse of depression is really scary. It does not last for a prolonged period. It lasts for a few hours or a day or two. Then, I will slowly block that feeling and feel normal. A trigger happened, I will be back down to the pit again and starts all over again. It is a cycle. Absolute anger that comes with mean words which I got no idea where they come from followed by remorse and feeling so bad that I will cry like crazy.

2nd trimester is so much better and stable. I don’t have that feelings anymore. I hope that I will not go through post-natal depression. In sha Allah. Kuatkanlah imanku. Ameen.

 

of Cooking misadventure

I was reading my FB feed abeh read that the Confinement Food prepared by Dapur Ummi is filling up fast. November and December dah fully booked! What?! So fast? Ramai orang ker give birth? So, I already kanchiong spider ah.

My delivery is mid or end of January. Then, terfikir. Should I order for January or February? I enquired and she replied that they will start the delivery as and when is required. Means, you will inform them your EDD and update them when you are ready for the food to be delivered. Maybe tell them 2-3 days in advance when you just gave birth. By the time you discharge from hospital, can start the delivery.

So, I will placing my deposit today to book a slot for myself. Scary! Suddenly, feel so real. *Gulp!* Baru yesterday the husband said dier tak sabar nak jumper our Babylove. He said maseh ader 4 months before we get to see Babylove. In sha Allah. For me, excited but yet nervous. Still have loads of things to do and once January comes, our lives will totally change!

Oh! You know, I always stretched my legs and body the moment I woke up. Abeh this morning, I was stretching my legs and I got cramp on my left calf! Ouchness okay! Dari ngantok teros wide awake! I massaged2 it a bit and the husband slowly helped to stretch it.

Nowadays, I do feel some sharp pain or soreness at my soles after a long day. You know, after you sit or lie down then bangun, you will feel that sharpness at your soles as though you have been walking a lot, wearing a poor supported pair of shoes. But, my shoes okay what. Just the increased weight gain, I guess.

So, I guess now everytime sebelom tido kene buat stretching dulu with my long colourful socks. Hahahhahahaha! Nak tdo ker nak main bola? Hahhahahahahha!! *Alert: Sexiness level is negative!*  HAHAHAHAHA!!

Anyway, yesterday I attempted to cook lauk singgang for the first time. The ingredients macam senang ah. So, my confidence level was really  really high.

Then halfway, fikir asal mcm doesn’t look promising. I think the husband saw my face abeh dah pre-empt me, ‘’Yang, kla tk menjadik, you jangan nangis eh. Ni kan learning process. Practice makes perfect’’. Hahahahahahha! I don’t know whether I should feel sad at his lack of confidence for my cooking skills or feel touched that he don’t mind that the lauk will fail and cares for my feelings instead. Hahahhaha!

Yes, there were several incidents I tried to cook abeh tak menjadik. Frustrated and tired, I will just switch off the fire, go to the bedroom and cry. The husband will clean up the mess and buy some food for us. I will feel so shitty for failing to cook a decent meal for him. Hahahaha! Emo seh!

And, it’s true. The lauk really tak sedap ah. I looked through the recipe and realised luper nak masokkan air asam. -__-. Such a noobie mistake.

Tapi, dah masokkan still taste so bland or raw. Called up my sis. Suruh masokkan garam. The taste still off. At this point, dah mcm bingit giler ah. So, I off the api and eat first. Can’t continue if I’m pissed and hungry. Lepas makan, tried putting in some sugar and garam and more air asam and blend more bawang putih. I just can’t pinpoint what the lauk lacks! Like, I can taste the garam and chilli distinctly but the rest of the taste mcm really fade or weak at the background. Get it? Is it because I didn’t tumis properly or add the water too early? I don’t know whether it is the ingredients or the cara masak salah.

I was so hampa already. I just feel like leaving everything and collapsed in my bed. Tapi, matured me stayed on. But, just me slouching at the dining table with my miserable face. The husband took over and slowly add air asam bit by bit. Eventually, the taste gets better. Not as nice as how my mom or dad cooks but good enough for us lah. The lauk from ½ jadik ¾ after all the adding of air asam and other stuff.

Put the kacang panjang in and it gets better. So, okaylah. Tonight, I’m not cooking. Grrrr!!!! But, I shall not give up. Must persevere to learn how to cook. Hmpft!!!

 

of dates

Good morning lovelies,

It is Monday. Lovely lovely Monday. Hahahaha! That is me trying to be all positive on a Monday morning at work after a wonderful weekend.

We watched movie on Saturday night. We watched Lucy at Jem. A total last minute decision. Actually gi Jem nak gi NTUC. Then, Kat Jem carpark baru check website and teros bli ticket. Most of the time, we got no idea what to do on a Saturday late night. Prawning is a little waste of time for us and not my definition of fun. I’m too impatient for prawning or fishing. Gets agitated and bored easily.

What else can you do when it is 12-2am and eating is not in the plan cos we are not hungry? So, boring old couple us decided to go to 24hrs NTUC to buy some snacks and watch movie at home. Last minute, decided to watch at Cathay since Lucy was promising and deep.

Watched and I must say the storyline is refreshing. Different. Something like Inception or that movie yang use time as a tool to measure value. The more time you have, the richer you are.

So this Lucy movie, it shows what happen if humans able to fully utilise 100% of our brain power. The stuff we can do.

I truly enjoyed my lil date with the husband. I think 20 minutes to the end of the movie, my back started to ache and I can feel a sharp pain in my ribs. Lamer sangat duduk. Once I stood up, I feel so much better. Now I know why pregnant ladies slalu rub2 their stomach. It is not to tell the whole world they are pregnant. Just that sometimes, it hurts and rubbing or lightly massaging it helps to ease the pain.

I wanna try Shabu-shabu for our next date. Am I like the only one yang belum try? Hahahaha. I especially bought a new skirt for our next date. Dah plan nak pakai the skirt, tank top, cardigan and tudung for the date. Maybe I might be buying a new tudung. I think my existing one can match but I have yet to try them on.

One of our most memorable dates is cycling the whole stretch of East Coast till Changi beach. Our first date is rollerblading at East Coast. Both of us skipped classes then go East Coast. Spent the glorious day rollerblading and laughing. Super fun.

I think we only had 2 very romantic dinner dates. First dinner was us celebrating his birthday at Sofra and second was his proposal dinner. The proposal dinner was at Sofra too because it reminds us of that 1st wonderful romantic dinner date. To tell the truth, the food were not that nice. Who cares about food when somebody just placed a ring on your finger, right? Hahhahaha!!

Actually kan, this proposal thingie overrated.*Dah kahwin baru cakap overrated.* Proper way of asking a lady’s hand via her parents lebih bermakna dan suci.

I don’t really fancy romantic dinners. Find them too stiff and we are not a foodie. We prefer going USS riding rollercoasters or cycling at Pulau Ubin over romantic dinners. So much more fun.

Nowadays, it is getting harder for me to sleep at night. These past few days, I have been sleeping at 4+am. Back started to really ache and I can’t find comfortable position. Aper2 pon, alhamdulilah.

I wanted to go to the YoungMuslim Carnival on Saturday but I was also haft-hearted. Pasal macam jauh and nak kene jalan from Bugis to Aljunied. I did showered but ended up sleeping again. Hahahhaha! Over the weekend, I cooked sambal kangkong, egg and mashed sweet potatoes. Yesterday night, I cooked sambal sardine and sayur bayam. Cooking goddess, I am not.

I’m determined to really start learning how to cook. In sha Allah. 🙂

of Feeling restless :(

I’m bored. Sometimes, I feel like we are just on auto-pilot mode. Wake up, work, eat, socialise then sleep.

I know we will have major changes in near future but in this short term period, I’m bored. The kitchen reno is in progress. Am I excited about it? Hmm, okay lah. Something that need to be done.

Quite troublesome tao having a reno while you are staying in the house. The whole house is dusty. Tapi, alhamdulilah. We are having a proper kitchen. They will finish all the wet work by today. So, no more cement bags, footprints and all the dust in the house. I will really wash, vacuum and mop the whole house after work later.

The carpentry work will start in a week or 2 because they are fabricating the cabinets now.

We went to the 24hrs laundrymat over the weekend to wash our 1 big bagful of laundry. Hahahhaha. I washed our clothes, towels, bedsheets etc. Now, the laundry is piling up again. Will go to the 24hrs laundrymat again, maybe later after work. Yupz, we cannot use our washing machine and sink. We wash our dishes in the small sink. Hahahahah! Feeling2 mcm backpacker/ dorm students.

From tomorrow onwards, we should be able to use the washing machine.

We still cannot cook for the entire kitchen reno. So, mostly mkn luar or we buy food. I dnt mind all the inconveniences. It is kinda interesting. It is just the dust that kinda irritate me the most. Well, today is the last day of messy work. So, take a chill pill babe.

I feel like going for the short getaway. A really short and near one. But, kiter mcm susah nak amek leave. Sorry, this post is so whiny.

I’m having one of those days, you just feel like taking leave and enjoy the day instead of being cooped up in an office. I feel so caged up. Kidnapped. Hahahahha!! Dramatic seh. SAVE ME FROM MY WORKKKKKK. I wanna get out from this dungeon and bask in the sun. Splash with the waves. Feel the wind. Kick the sand. My next 2 weekends dah kene booked. Dah ader plans aka family commitments. -__-.

Can I go and have fun alreadyyyyyyyy? I’m tired of being an adult and be all serious and responsible. I dnt’t wanna work and just go on a holiday. I need a break , seriously.

of materialistic world

Hi,

I’m tired of this materialistic world. I’m tired of ‘friends’ competing with each other. Who have a more grand wedding, who have nicer house, who have more expensive bags, who went for a further holiday, who have more frequent holiday trips, who tried the latest cafes, who bought what for their spouse’s birthday. Oh, skarang kla spouse’s bitrthday dah tk kasi present, skarang bawak gi holiday trips for birthday.

Oh, who get pregnant earlier, who have better job or who have higher position in their job.

Seriously, people in FB and IG are so fake right now. Just indirectly showing off.

Well, I went for a MENDAKI course. Guess what the financial adviser whose job is to advise people who are deeply in debts? He said that nearly half of the people who took up loans are Malays. I have no issue against people taking up loans but what I hate is people who showed off like they are so rich abeh behind all the façade, they are struggling. I’m just in a lousy mood because of a remark this friend of mine said to me. Ya, my stuff are not all the high-end but I’m okay with it. Why must you look down on me? Urgh!

I’m not interested in all these stuff. Stop shoving your opinions down my throat and stop boasting. Open your eyes and appreciate life as it is. Urgh!!!!!

I feel like running away and just live in some vast land beneath open skies. Away from the fake world. Away from these shallow people.

of Dissapointment

We are not preventing any pregnancies. For the past few months, we are not preventing but we know that I have to find a job first before being pregnant. Now, I have a job for 2-3 weeks so far and we are actively trying to TTC. I took 2 pregnancy tests yesterday. It was negative but I saw a very faint pinkish line after the testing period. I was excited but sceptical because it is cheap pregnancy test. So, I stared at it for nearly half hour and googled for any clues. I think it is evaporation line. So, I took another test. It is negative for the first 10 minutes. After that, I threw away the strip. Not going to keep and give myself false hope.

I have been feeling twinges in the abdomen and near my bellybutton. No other symptoms. Now, I’m having a slight headache. Most probably I did not eat yesterday and having low sugar level. I ate 2 pieces of bread and 2 packets of biscuits. Still having headache. Most probably it is the Monday’s blues.

To think of it, we are really early in this TTC. However, I feel macam dah lame. Anyway, I will be going for ultra scan mid of May to see if there is any issue or cysts. I want to take the medications to regulate my cycle and hopefully Allah berikan rezki for us. In sha Allah.

I will not buy anymore pregnancy tests to keep them just in case. I will end up using them and feel terrible looking at the BFN.

As for now, I want to focus on other stuff.

I will not take any pregnancy test until I’m sure the symptoms are clear or I am having morning sickness. I will not torture myself with more BFN and googling every single thing about early pregnancy symptoms, TTC etc. Tawakkaltu. Let it go. Just do your best and Allah will do the rest. Enjoy the process. Enjoy this duo status. Enjoy being free. Go travel and have fun.

 

of making a hard decision

It has come to the moment for me to make a decision. The current workplace has asked me to bond with them for 6 yrs. They do not practice a culture that allows teachers to pay for their own diploma course. So, in other word, it is either I bond 6 yrs with them or to leave. Haiz. Irritating kan. Biler dah suker with a job, the work environment, the lovely colleagues, I have to leave because of this. It has been a great time working here.

Now, another decision for me to make. Where am I going after this? Logically, it points to the previous industry. Facilities Management. But, arrghhhh! The thought of maintaining a building. The liaising with people. Handling complains!

Why oh why. Why must a teacher’s pay in Islamic body be small? Why must bond for 6 yrs?

At the end of the day, I can’t be selfish. I have parents to support, a house to pay for, a family that will grow one day. In sha allah. So, I guess it is back to the previous industry. Or something in that line.

I had told myself, once I finished my degree, I will focus on my Islamic education. If I were to take up a diploma in ECE, I will not have the time to prepare myself and get going with my Islamic education.

What I want:

1)      Work in Islamic body

2)      Salary that suffices

Pros:

  • My type of working environment. Very conducive and positive vibe.
  • Can wear jubah.

Cons:

  • Pay is usually low.

If I were to continue in ECE:

1)      Mosques

2)      Other Islamic kindergarten

Pros:

  • Islamic environment. Can wear jubah.

Cons:

  • Pay is low.
  • Management might be bad
  • Need to take up Diploma –> Postpone Islamic education –> still low pay even after diploma

If I were to go back to previous industry:

Pros

  • double the pay as compare to my current pay. Financial stability and able to better support         parent and grow our family.
  • Working environment might be better as compared to my past experience.

Cons

  • hate the corporate, backstabbing, competitive, heartless environment.
  • The whiny complains!

 

 

I can be quite a brat at times

You know 1 thing about being married that I’m finding really hard to adapt is being tired. I’m so tired that I throw tantrums like a brat. Seriously. Bangun siang then hardcore all-out kat keje because it is super busy time. Busy with graduation practice. Busy trying to cover the lesson plans. Busy scolding kids. Busy busy busy. Keje penat giler.

Then, balek rumah, can’t collapsed on the bed straight. Must wait for the husband to balik. Must siap2 kat dinner. Must clean up. Then, spend time with family or run errands. Then, iron clothes if needed. Then, must clean room. Then, must do laundry if needed. Penat.

I’m not complaining but sometimes, I just want to cry. Work is mega stressful and I’m plain exhausted. I’m so exhausted, I cried.

Weekends bangun siang!!! Like, lepas subuh tros do stuff and run errands sampai malam. I’m the type of person who wakes up at 12pm on weekends. I don’t even do laundry. Abeh now, weekends lepas subuh dah active.

When you are single and feeling like shit, you close the door and just be alone. Now, you can’t just close the door, be alone, collapsed on the bed and allow your frustrations to slowly simmer away. Sometimes, I feel trapped. Like, I have no personal space and time. When I’m pissed, I don’t have my ‘personal-do-not-disturb-leave-me-alone’ zone.

And, I’m a light sleeper. Do you know what a nightmare it is to be a light sleeper? Before this, I sleep alone in my locked room. Now, a little move from him, a little shift in position from him, a little sound, I will wake up. The first week, I woke up an average of 3-4 times within 5hrs sleep. Can you imagine how frustrating that is? It is not his fault. It is just me being a light sleeper. It was so frustrating because baru nak terlelap then terbangun. And, it will take me some time to fall asleep again. Imagine me flipping a bed, screamed and pull my hair in frustration with bloodshot eyes. *Imagine the meme*. It is craziness okay.

And, suddenly I have this irritating need to keep the room clean. It is just the ‘wife pride’ thing. You just want to ensure that your room is super clean and tidy before leaving the house. You want to make sure his food are packed for his lunch break. You feel like shit when he eats cold sandwich yang tak sempat dimicrowave because you are late for work. You want to make sure his clothes smell nice and ironed well. You want to be a pleasant and cheerful wife. Tapi, after some time, you get exhausted and turn into a bratty pissed wife.

But, 80% of this stress is due to work. Work is hectic and crazyyyyy. *sobs!!!*

I’m still learning and trying to adapt. For now, I will try to get as much rest as I can because I’m a monster when I’m tired. In sha Allah.

But, other than feeling tired, being married is nice. Duh! Imagine being with your bestest best person first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.